About a year ago, I attended a Spiritual Gallery. The mediums were friends of mine and I was extremely excited about the experience. I hadn’t come with any particular outcome in mind. There wasn’t anyone in particular from whom I expected a message, no one in particular I wanted to reach out to. I had no expectations.
For the entirety of the event I sat and listened as others received messages from love ones who had passed. It was moving and humbling. By the end, everyone had received some sort of message, except for me. Strangely, I felt a low level of panic and frustration. I had come with no expectations, but somehow felt afraid that there was nothing for me. What if I had come here for nothing? All eyes turned to me as the hosts of the event asked “Is there anyone you were hoping to connect with?” I immediately felt as if I had done something wrong. I felt terrible, I didn’t want to be *that* difficult person who sits back, crosses their arms and says “so you’re a psychic medium? Prove it. Tell me what I’m thinking. Give me a message.” That wasn’t my intention. I had felt called to join this event, but was really unclear on what my purpose was. “No.” I answered, cheeks burning. I explained that my dad had passed a few years ago, but I truly felt that his soul had moved on rather quickly and he was now out of reach. I apologized, for not having a plan, for not being clear. They tried their best, but I could tell they were coming up with nothing. I felt horrible, as if I was making them look bad. Should I have not come? These were my friends and I felt as if I'd embarrassed them in front of their clients. Finally, my friend looked at me and said “I’m sorry, I don’t have anything for you.” The other medium asked me, “Have you shut yourself off?” I almost cried. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I had shut myself off. My family history is full of selfish, abusive, and just really not great people. I had never felt connected to them and I had been low key working on severing any connection for years. I felt as if they hadn't earned the right to have access to me, that my connection to them was tainted with their sins. I explained this to her in an unexpected gush of words and emotions and she smiled and said, “You are a cycle breaker. You really have successfully cut them off." I was relieved. Joyous, even. I drove home listening to Lizzo's “Good As Hell” on repeat. I felt free, as if I had just ended a burdensome relationship. And really, I had. I was feeling good as hell. I had never understood the need that people felt to be connected to their ancestors; to honor them, ask for their advice, or work for their approval. I felt no connection to my ancestors. I was ready to break the cycle. I am not my ancestors. I am linked to them through a series of coincidences and nothing more. I owe them nothing. I owe me everything. They don’t define me. I define me. I define me. I define me. And it’s my job to make sure that my child is able to rise above the sins of his ancestors and be a better person. To do that, I have to stop letting them influence me. It was time to let go. I am Rowan. I am a cycle breaker. I am the beginning of a new line.
0 Comments
Your comment will be posted after it is approved.
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorWe're so excited to have this place to share our parenting experiences with you! Archives
July 2015
Categories |